


The Impossible Death

by DeceitMe



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders is a Sweetheart, Blood, Blood and Injury, Bruises, Caring Logic | Logan Sanders, Depressing, Depression, Dissociation, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Nightmares, Platonic DLAMP - Freeform, Platonic Relationships, Prince Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Protective Morality | Patton Sanders, References to Depression, Self-Denial, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit Week, Thomas Sanders References, depressed deceit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2019-10-13 15:21:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 23
Words: 16,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17490419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeceitMe/pseuds/DeceitMe
Summary: Deceit is not okay. He hasn’t been for quite some time.The others try to help and understand, but they may be too late.GENERAL WARNINGS -- self harm, suicide, depression, sympathetic deceit





	1. Brought to the Light

**Author's Note:**

> CHAPTER WARNINGS:
> 
> self harm, depression, dissociation, sympathetic deceit
> 
> PLEASE TELL ME IF I FORGOT SOMETHING!!!

Deceit felt his right eye begin to twitch, but didn’t move or stop staring at his plain white ceiling. At least, he knew that’s what he had been staring at, but his eyes had been still for so long his vision was now completely black.

As the twitching continued, Deceit finally moved his eyes side to side. His room quickly came back into view and his eye stopped twitching.

He was so tired, but he couldn’t sleep. He was going on day three of not moving from his bed or sleeping.

Funny how much time he spent in bed not sleeping. Considering that was the main function of a bed, anyway.

If he were a human, he probably wouldn’t even get up to go to the bathroom. That was one perk to being a trait. No bodily functions meant that Deceit didn’t have to wallow in his own feces at least.

Though maybe then he’d finally feel something. Even disgust would be welcome to him right now. At least it would be something.

He was just there, but not at the same time. He didn’t feel anything, except for the discomfort at remaining in the same position for three days. Even that seemed distant though, like it wasn’t really happening to him.

So he sat there, feeling a chill set over his room but not even moving to cover himself with the blanket. Just letting the cold seep into his body, causing him to shake. But he still didn’t move. He almost didn’t even notice the cold.

Three days. But had it been three days? It didn’t feel like it. It felt more like a few minutes. Like the passage of time hadn’t ever happened.

He felt what could only be described as a small tug on his body and consciousness, trying to pull him somewhere else.

He didn’t try to fight it, barely noticing it anyway, and felt himself being pulled out of his room and into the real world.

As he appeared in his standing position next to Patton, he suddenly felt all the weight of his body being supported on his two asleep and weak legs. Without the support or mental ability to keep himself standing, he let himself fall, not even bothering to try and protect or catch himself.

But instead of hitting the floor, he felt warm arms encase him instead and distantly heard a strangled shout of, “DEE!” from somewhere in the room.

Maybe it was the warmth of the person holding him, or maybe it was the sudden summon, but Deceit could feel his eyelids droop closed and he passed out in mere seconds, still being held up by the warm side.

At least he could finally sleep.

***

“But I don’t mind being single!” Thomas exclaimed. Throwing his arms out to the side and looking at Roman.

He hadn’t meant to summon Deceit, though with the obvious lie it didn’t pass the other sides that he would most likely appear.

They hadn’t been expecting Deceit to appear and for him to immediately pass out into Patton’s arms.

“DEE!” Patton shouted as he caught him, gasping as he made contact.

“He’s freezing!” he whispered, his wide eyes starting to fill with tears.

No one said anything else for a moment as they took in what was happening.

Thomas lied, Deceit appeared in sweatpants and a t-shirt(something they’d never seen him in before), he instantly collapses, Patton catches him and he is now unresponsive and apparently freezing.

“Whaaaat is happening?” Thomas said, turning his eyes from the unconscious Deceit to Logan who seemed to finally be processing the situation.

“Well Thomas, I believe that Deceit is currently unconscious and being held up solely by Patton. I can figure out more after we place Deceit down. Roman, could you place Deceit on the couch?”

“Wha-oh, yeah sure.” Roman said, moving forward to pick Deceit up bridal style. He carried him over to the couch and placed him down. Patton gently picked up Deceit’s head and sat down, letting his head rest in his lap as he ran his fingers through Deceit’s knotted locks.

Logan walked over and kneeled next to the couch, picking up Deceit’s hand and feeling his own eyes widen in response as he took note of how cold he was, along with the bruises that littered up and down his arm.

“Virgil, could you go to Patton’s room and grab as many of his blankets as you can? Grab the heated blanket from your room, too.” Logan directed and Virgil immediately sunk out.

Logan pushed his glasses up his nose and started to inspect the bruises on Deceit’s arm.

There was a mix of old and more recent ones and they covered his arms, making his skin patchy and uneven. Logan went to go check his pulse but stopped, remembering that they didn’t actually have a pulse.

He gently placed his arm back down and reached out for the other one, noticing more bruises of the same magnitude and many thin, red and white lines that ran horizontally up and down his arm all the way to his shoulder. Some were old scars, but many more seemed a lot more recent, dried blood still surrounding the wounds.

When Patton noticed this, he let out a choked sob and tears started to fall down his face as he covered his mouth with his hand.

“Oh my god.” Thomas whispered and Roman simply looked away, feeling bad for staring.

Logan himself felt his own emotions begin to bubble up inside him, mostly shock. He had enough knowledge to know that these were definitely self inflicted wounds. The bruises probably were, too.

How long had Deceit been doing this to himself?

Virgil returned shortly with his heated blanket, along with four of Patton’s fluffiest blankets.

He started to walk over to the couch, but stuttered for a second when he saw Patton with tears streaming down his face.

“Wh-what’s wrong?” Virgil asked as he approached, afraid for what was wrong with the trait that used to be his best and only friend. Not that the others knew that bit of information.

Thomas and Roman both jumped, but Logan just kept holding onto Deceit’s arm, staring at the cuts. Trying to make sense of it.

Thomas spoke first.

“Uh, well… Deceit doesn’t seem too well off…” he said, looking away from Virgil and back to the unconscious trait.

Virgil felt his anxiety skyrocket as he took the final steps forward and was finally able to see what everyone was looking at.

Virgil’s eyes went wide as he processed the sight before him.

Deceit, once his friend and one of the strongest sides within Thomas, was… was…

Virgil let out a choked laugh as his own tears made their way slowly down his cheeks.

Dropping the blankets where he stood, he took off his hoodie and walked over to the couch.

With some help from Patton, they succeeded in wrapping Virgil’s hoodie around the unconscious figure and put his arms through the sleeves as delicately as possible.

By this point, Logan was able to repress his initial shock and set to work with plugging in the heated blanket and began to cover Deceit with all the blankets Virgil had collected.

As everyone stood around the sleeping figure in complete silence, one thought was shared by all of them in continuity.

What happened to Deceit?


	2. The Briefest Overview

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER WARNINGS:
> 
> self harm, suicide attempts, depression, nightmares, dissociation, sympathetic deceit
> 
> PLEASE TELL ME IF I FORGOT SOMETHING!!!
> 
> (also, the self harm in this chapter is just... not exactly descriptive, but the way it's talked about may be pretty triggering so please be careful!)

Deceit doesn’t dream. He has no need to. It is not his job.

So when the nightmares began, he was more than just confused.

He was terrified.

They started off infrequent with maybe one a month. All too quickly, it turned into every night.

Every time his eyes closed and his consciousness drifted off, he would always awake screaming and in a cold sweat. Terrified.

The dreams he could never remember, but the feeling stuck around.

Helplessness, hopelessness, and fear. So much fear.

Those feelings began to never leave, instead plaguing him throughout both his waking hours and sleeping ones.

There was no peace.

Just as quickly as these feelings began, however, the dissipated and left nothing behind.

He felt nothing, and that was arguably worse.

He just wanted to feel something. To feel alive again.

That was when he found a new past time.

He had always appreciated art, after all. How was this much different?

As he saw the blue and purple marks come to life on his skin, he felt something else pulling at him. Tempting him to add a new color to the mix.

The red made what he already considered beautiful arguably more stunning as it contrasted in both texture and color with the backdrop of blues, yellows, and purples.

He finally felt something again. The pain of his art bringing him out of his emotionless shell to appreciate what he’d created.

Sad to say, the fix he’d discovered was only temporary.

Soon enough, the nightmares began again and he was filled with the same fear as before.

His art didn’t help as much anymore. Instead, it fueled the terror that filled him.

So he covered himself up with gloves, long sleeved shirts, and even a cape.

The more layers to separate himself from what he did, the better.

This was only the beginning.

As time went on, the nightmares worsened, though he still didn’t remember any of them. When he wasn’t having the nightmares, he’d go back to not feeling at all and continue his artwork if he could.

Sometimes he just couldn’t be bothered to do anything. Not even his art. Even though he knew it would make him feel better, he just couldn’t find any motivation to do anything.

Sometimes he felt like he was flying. Sometimes he thought he was dead.

Mostly, he just wished he was dead.

But sides couldn’t die. Well, at least he figured they couldn’t. Where would that leave Thomas?

He didn’t care. He’d probably be fine.

Maybe it was possible since he wasn’t necessary towards Thomas’s functioning.

So he tried.

The noose didn’t work, sadly.

He hung there for hours, unable to breath but never dying.

It just brought a new type of pain that he did not find enjoyable nor beautiful.

But he tried again, this time with a knife.

His wrist bled for days, but he never bled out. His bed sheets just got stained, along with his floor boards.

He wasn’t sure what else to try.

A thought crossed his mind briefly, however.

If Thomas died, then so would he.

He chucked the idea quickly, knowing that wasn’t an option.

There was no way he was going to be bringing Thomas or anyone else into this.

They didn’t ask him to be alive, after all, so how could he ask them to help him die?

He wished he could apologize to them all for existing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is just the briefest overview of what is kinda going on with deceit, but later on we'll actually get into his life.
> 
> like i said, this is just a brief overview of his emotional state(s)!!! it'll get... well... worse i guess is the best way to put it :p


	3. Helping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER WARNINGS:
> 
> nightmares, fear, sympathetic deceit
> 
> PLEASE TELL ME IF I FORGOT SOMETHING!!!

It had been a few hours now and everyone still sat in the real world in Thomas's living room.

Patton stayed sitting with Deceit’s head in his lap, brushing his fingers through his hair and sniffling occasionally.

Virgil was sitting on the floor with his back leaning against the couch. He had his headphones on and seemed to be staring at nothing, but if anyone moved his eyes would jump to that person immediately before falling back to staring straight ahead.

Logan was on Thomas’s laptop, searching up everything he could about self harm and mental health problems.

Roman and Thomas were just bouncing from one activity to the other, not quite sure what to do with themselves.

They had been in the middle of reorganizing Thomas’s bookshelf when they all heard the first whimper come from the couch.

Looking over, they saw Deceit’s face scrunched up in fear as he curled in on himself.

Patton stopped moving his fingers through Deceit’s hair as he looked down at the distressed side who was now shaking.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” he began repeating, slowly and quietly at first but picking up speed and volume as he continued until he was screaming and thrashing on the couch.

“I’M SORRY, I’M SORRY, I’M SORRY!!!” he screamed, tears streaming down his face.

Patton sat there in shock, not entirely sure what to do.

Virgil, however leaped up and turned to Deceit.

“Hey, Dee. Shhhh, calm down, it’s okay. You’re gonna be okay.” he said calmly, gently nudging his shoulder.

Deceit’s eyes suddenly sprung open and he jumped up, still screaming as he pressed himself into the couch.

“Dee, it’s okay. You’re fine. You’re safe. Please calm down.” Virgil continued, slowly reaching out to grab Deceit’s hands.

His eyes were wide and filled with fear, but as he slowly realized that it was Virgil he was staring at, he scrambled out of the covers and hugged Virgil tightly as he began to cry.

Virgil only froze for a second before he wrapped his arms around the other and hugged him back, whispering consoling words in his ear as he cried.

The others just stayed where they were, not sure what to do for the third time that day.

As Virgil continued to calm Deceit down however, Logan couldn’t help but wonder how Virgil seemed to know exactly how to deal with Deceit's apparent nightmare. Almost like he’d dealt with it before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so..... whatcha thinking so far?
> 
> i know it's darker than my other works (and only getting more so from here on), but i hope you're all enjoying it!!! :p
> 
> but um yeah... this is about tbe fluffiest it's probably gonna be for a really long time (unless you count cute back story that inevitably ends in angsty disaster as fluff) so yeet, still wishing you all luck for reading this!!!


	4. Old Friends (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER WARNINGS:
> 
> self harm, dissociation, nightmares, pain induced by another (wtf do i call that again?), bone breaking, sympathetic deceit
> 
> PLEASE TELL ME IF I FORGOT SOMETHING!!!

The first time it happened, Anxiety was probably more scared than Deceit was.

All he really remembers was Deceit screaming and his own pulse pounding in his ears.

They were only ten.

From then on, Anxiety began to sleep with Deceit.

He helped more than Deceit would ever really admit, helping him calm down after waking up.

However, as they aged and Anxiety started to to get more and more stressed out, he was able to convince him that the nightmares had stopped.

In reality, he was doing worse than before with at least four nightmares a week. However, by not sleeping for a week, he was able to convince Anxiety to finally go back to his room.

It normally wouldn’t have been enough proof for Anxiety, but his own desire to have some more space made him overlook a few small details that countered Deceit’s otherwise perfectly concocted story.

He overlooked the bags under his friend’s eyes and the cracks in his usually calm and cold demeanor that showed fear and pain.

He didn’t so much as directly ignore these signs rather than just not notice them all together.

After all, he should be able to trust his only friend, right?

So he left, back to his own room for the first time in four years.

From there, Deceit set a sound proof barrier around his room so Anxiety wouldn’t come running at the sounds of his screaming in the night.

It was here that Deceit also realized how much Anxiety really helped him.

When Anxiety had been sleeping with him, he only had maybe four nightmares a week.

In the weeks that followed Anxiety’s departure, he was lucky to not have a nightmare every night.

Not to mention that now, without anyone to help calm him down afterwards, he never really calmed down, making him jumpy and scared all the time.

And hopeless. Oh, so hopeless.

At the age of sixteen was when he experienced his first bout of numbness after a particularly bad dream.

He woke up screaming, but the fear he’d usually feel was gone. Replaced instead with nothing at all.

At first, he thought it a good thing. He was getting over his nightmares, yes? He was no longer afraid, no?

That’s when he realized he didn’t feel anything.

He thought about how that should scare him, but he wasn’t.

He wasn’t anything.

Keeping up his friendship with Anxiety was difficult.

Anxiety had been so used to the semi-cool, semi-jumpy Deceit that when Deceit became so emotionless overnight, he wasn’t sure how to act around him anymore.

They stopped being so friendly with one another gradually from there on.

It ended when they were seventeen.

Deceit had been going through his worse patch of emptiness yet, simply wishing he wasn’t with Anxiety, when he felt a sharp pain across his cheek.

Suddenly, as if being pulled out from under water, he saw Anxiety standing in front of him with tears streaming down his face.

Absentmindedly putting a hand up to his cheek, feeling his warm and tingling skin, he realized that Anxiety had slapped him.

He slowly realized Anxiety’s mouth was moving, that he was talking, but Deceit couldn’t make out anything he was saying for some reason.

Upon seeing the blank face Deceit was giving him, Anxiety felt more tears spring to his eyes.

Of course he wasn’t listening. He never did anymore.

Overflowing with a pent-up frustration he had built slowly over time, Anxiety stood up. Grabbing Deceit’s arm, he pulled him towards his door and threw him out.

“Just get out, I don’t even know who you are anymore!” he shouted, letting go of his arm and slamming his door shut.

Deceit looked at the door that had just been slammed in his face and back down at his arm that had three crescent moon shaped cuts that were filling with blood.

Pain. He felt pain.

Feeling a smile break out across his face, Deceit realized that with the pain he felt happiness. Actual happiness!

He could’ve cried tears of joy right then, and that fact alone made him ecstatic.

It had been so long since he had felt this good, he immediately went to go knock on Anxiety’s door to tell him the good news when he paused.

Anxiety didn’t want to see him. He threw him out. He slapped him. He made him bleed.

He was mad at him. Anxiety was mad at Deceit.

Appearing back in his room and collapsing on his bed, Deceit felt like the world begin to crash around him and he was once again left with the numbness he’d grown so accustomed to.

As he stood back up and walked over to his wall, he figured at least one good thing came from his interaction with Anxiety as he smashed his elbow into the wall over and over again until he felt his elbow shatter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just gonna say that there's a reason i'm only calling him anxiety right now ;)
> 
> also, um, i didn't read through this after writing so sorry for mistakes!


	5. Catching Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER WARNINGS:
> 
> self harm mentions, post-nightmare, sympathetic deceit
> 
> PLEASE TELL ME IF I FORGOT SOMETHING!!!

After nearly ten minutes of soft reassurances and hugging, Deceit had finally stopped crying.

He knew he should back away. He knew Virgil didn’t want to be hugging him and comforting him.

He felt bad that Virgil ever had to put up with him.

Even though he craved to be touched in his moments of vulnerability after a nightmare, he jumped out of Virgil’s arms and retreated inside his blankets, covering his head.

He closed his eyes as he tried to remember what was happening.

Surely Virgil hadn’t heard him screaming through his sound proof barrier. Maybe he’d come to visit him?

No, Virgil wouldn’t come to visit him. He hasn’t in almost ten years, so that wasn’t it.

While Deceit was trying to figure out what was happening, he felt the blanket being slowly removed from his head.

Opening his eyes, he saw Virgil removing the blanket and everyone else standing around him in Thomas’s living room.

He wasn’t in his room.

Was he summoned? He must have been. Why else would he be here?

Something was different though. Rather than all the hateful glares he usually got when he appeared, he could feel an overwhelming sense of pity being directed towards him

That couldn’t be right. Why would they pity him?

“Dee.” Virgil said softly and Deceit turned his wide eyes to him.

“Do… do you remember how you got here?” Virgil asked timidly, though his voice was still soft. Too soft. Almost like he was afraid he’d break something if he were too loud.

Deceit thought for a moment before just simply shaking his head no.

He didn’t really trust his voice to not waver or crack.

Logan and Thomas shared a quick glance with one another before turning to look back at the events unfolding before them.

“Well, you got summoned here.” Virgil said slowly, looking Deceit in the eyes.

Well, he’d figured out that much already.

“And, well, then you passed out I guess?” he continued, looking to Logan briefly for confirmation before turning his gaze back to Deceit.

Deceit looked around, the sympathy and pity that was filling the room was almost too much to bear.

Also, still completely unexplained.

Clearing his throat with a small cough, Deceit finally decided to voice his question.

“Why aren’t you all looking at me like that?” he asked, his voice hoarse and scratchy but still understandable.

“You should drink some water first.” Logan said, grabbing a water bottle from the counter and handing it to Deceit.

He took it gratefully and chugged half of it in a few seconds.

“That’s so much worse now.” he said breathily, enjoying the feeling of his throat functioning smoothly once again.

As he thought about it, he realized he couldn’t remember the last time he had anything to drink.

Hell, he couldn’t even remember what day it was.

“What day is it?” he asked, standing up from the couch and stretching a bit.

“Are you sure you should be standing? You seemed pretty tired earlier.” Patton asked gently, arms wrapped around his midsection as he looked at Deceit with worry written all over his features.

“Yeah, I’m not fine.” Deceit said slowly, looking around again and taking in their worried expressions once again.

“Okay, seriously though, what isn’t happening here? Why don’t you guys keep looking at me like that?” he asked again, going to cross his arms over his chest but he stopped.

Looking down, he saw himself wearing his sweatpants and t-shirt and… Virgil’s hoodie?

Picking at one of the sleeves, he could only wonder in what situation he would have put on Virgil’s hoodie.

Or have had it put on him, if he really was unconscious earlier, like they said.

Then it clicked.

If he were summoned here without warning and he was wearing a short sleeve shirt, that means they knew. That they saw his arms.

He prayed that they had only seen his arms. If this is how they were acting after seeing just his arms though, he really didn’t want to see how they would react to the rest of it.

Looking up from the hoodie to Virgil, he could see the knowledge in his old friends eyes.

The knowledge he’d tried to keep from all of them for so many years.

“I think I’m not gonna head back to my room.” Deceit said, picking up the water bottle and draining the rest of it.

“I don’t think you should, Dee. We have to talk about this.” Virgil said, moving forward to grab Deceit’s wrist to stop him from leaving.

He quickly flinched back and curled in on his body, suddenly fearful to be touched or approached by anyone or anything despite having wanted to be held and coddled just a few minutes ago.

Virgil stopped moving and pulled his hand back.

“Sorry. But please stay. We’re just gonna follow you to your room otherwise.” Virgil said, going to mess with the cuffs of his hoodie but instead putting his hands in his jeans pockets upon remembering he didn’t have his hoodie on.

Deceit slowly uncurled and tried to put back on his mask of cool indifference.

“Well… Maybe it would be worse if I didn’t stay. However, I don’t need to change quickly.” Deceit said.

“That’s okay.” Thomas spoke up, gaining the attention of all the other sides. “Just come back, okay?”

“Doubtful.” Deceit replied, sinking down into his room.

He gave a long, tired sigh as he sank onto his bed and rested his head in his hands.

How in the world did he get himself into this situation?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not a dark chapter, but it's an important one none the less because i really need to move the present along a bit :p
> 
> also, hope the deceit opposite speech thing wasn't too confusing. i tried to keep it minimal.
> 
> i have a headcanon that deceit can actually tell the truth though (in the actual sanders sides series lol) based on many moments where he either actually told the truth or came close to it before stopping himself.
> 
> so im kinda including that hc in here in little ways ;p
> 
> hope you enjoyed!!!
> 
> (get ready for more backstory btw)


	6. The First Attempt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER WARNINGS:
> 
> graphic descriptions of self harm, suicide, blood, self hate, sympathetic deceit
> 
> PLEASE TELL ME IF I FORGOT SOMETHING!!!

He liked the way blood looked. He liked to watch the way it would pour out of him like a waterfall after a storm.

He especially loved the way the cut looked afterwards.

He loved the way his skin would seem to widen the cut by itself and how he could see beneath his skin.

Perhaps that’s why he always cut so deep, but he always thought it wasn’t deep enough.

It could be deeper. It could be worse. He needed to stop complaining all the time. That’s why Anxiety didn’t want to be around him anymore.

Hell, he didn’t want to be around himself anymore.

Looking to his left, he wasn’t surprised to find a thick rope had appeared next to him.

He stared at it for what felt like, and probably was, days. He knew exactly what he wanted to do with it, but moving even a centimeter felt impossible.

Eventually, however, he was able to find just enough energy to stand up and begin his preparations for his death.

At least, what he hoped would be his death. He knew from a logical standpoint that he probably couldn’t die. He didn’t have a pulse or anything to damage.

Except his lungs. He could breath, right? Maybe if he took that away, then he’d die.

Even as he hung up the rope, however, he knew it was unlikely.

He wasn’t human. He was simply a pawn in Thomas’s mind. The fact that he could breath was probably just an illusion that Thomas had thought of.

There was hope though, and that hope stemmed solely from the only person he’d ever been close to.

Anxiety.

Anxiety had a heart beat. Deceit wasn’t entirely sure what that meant though. Did it mean Anxiety could die from blood loss?

He really wasn’t sure.

As he stood on the end of his bed and placed his head in the noose, he couldn’t help but smile as he thought back to when he would lie his head on Anxiety’s chest after a nightmare and just listen. Listen to a sound completely unfamiliar to him, yet so comforting.

Tightening the rope, he looked around his sad excuse of a room for what he hoped was the last time.

Damn it was a mess. He almost felt bad for leaving such a mess behind, but he figured that no one would ever really notice his absence either which meant no one would have to deal with it.

He wasn’t leaving a note either. He figured it didn’t matter.

Frankly, he didn’t care and he knew no one else would care either, so why bother with the formalities of saying goodbye?

Then he jumped.

He was kind of hoping his neck would snap, but also knew that he most likely didn’t have the force necessary to complete such a task.

His feet dangled in the air as he felt the rope dig into his skin and burn it. He felt it tighten up drastically around his neck, cutting off all his air flow.

It really didn’t feel great, but if it got the job done…

He was waiting for his vision to go black at any moment. To feel his body lose its strength to fight back.

Waiting to feel nothing. To be nothing. To be nowhere.

But it never happened.

He just hung there like a messed up decoration, his face red and his body, not his lungs, burning.

That was when he concluded that he did indeed have no lungs, which was probably why the pain was being amplified throughout his body.

He didn’t get down for hours, hoping that eventually he’d fade away along with the pain of dying and the pain of living.

He gave up eventually, though, and when he did, the rope disappeared from existence and Deceit fell to the floor in a pile, not even trying to catch himself or break the fall.

He felt his wrist snap upon contact with the floor, but he let out no curse of pain.

Instead he just curled up into the tightest ball he could, pulling a blanket off the bed and haphazardly wrapping it around himself.

As he closed his eyes to sleep, he felt silent tears make their way out of his eyes.

Sleeping was the closest he’d ever get to death, but even that was always ruined for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm fighting the urge to make the angst come out full force right now ahhhhhh :p
> 
> i'm trying to take this slowly to really make the emotions sit with you, the reader, before i hit you with what i planned from the beginning.
> 
> i'm so sorry in advanced, it really is only getting darker from here so beware.


	7. Confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** this is the second chapter i'm posting today, so if you haven't read the last chapter do that first!!! ***
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS:
> 
> panic attack, yelling, sympathetic deceit
> 
> PLEASE TELL ME IF I FORGOT SOMETHING!!!

It took Deceit a while to bring himself back together before heading back up to talk to the others.

After taking a minute to come up with some good excuses for any questions they could have, he quickly put on his usual outfit and headed back up.

He was not unaware to the five sets of eyes that immediately jumped onto him when he appeared, but he opted to ignore them as he walked to sit on the armrest of the couch.

“So, why wasn’t I called upon this time? What didn’t you lie about this time, Thomas?” Deceit asked with a cool smirk while inspecting his gloves, having decided to go with his plan of ignoring the actual subject matter all together.

He watched from the corner of his eye as he saw the five jump in surprise at the apparently random switch in his behavior.

“Dee, you know that’s not why we wanted to talk.” Virgil said with a soft but stern voice.

Deceit rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

“Oh really? Then please, don’t enlighten me on why I was dragged up here in my pyjamas.” he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

He saw Virgil’s eyebrow twitch slightly in annoyance and he had to stop himself from flinching in return.

He was fine. His goal was to get them annoyed so they would let him go. This was all going to plan. No need to be afraid.

Virgil opened his mouth to speak again, but before he could say anything, Roman jumped in.

“Look Deceit. I know I’ve never really liked you in the past and I may never like you, but that doesn’t mean I want you to suffer.” he exclaimed in a surprisingly soft voice that made Deceit’s face go slack in shock for a split second before he regained control of his facial features.

“That, uh, wasn’t the nicest thing you’ve ever told me, Roman. However I am suffering. There is something wrong and I am not fine, okay?” Deceit said, dropping the sarcasm and picking up a more natural tone that he hoped conveyed his annoyance at the entire situation.

“Falsehood.” Logan stated and everyone turned to look at him.

“No one would ever cause that much harm of that extent to themselves if they weren’t in some sort of mental pain. In other words, you are not okay.” he stated incredibly matter-of-factly.

Deceit allowed himself an eye roll as he went back to his sarcastic persona.

“Oh yes, because you know all about emotions, Logan.” he said, crossing his arms.

Logan seemed prepared for this and fired back the only way he knew how.

With evidence from an expert.

“In that case, why don’t we ask Patton who is in charge of all of Thomas’s emotions and will know better than any of us that what you are doing correlates to a less than ideal mental state.”

Patton, most likely barley understanding what Logan had just said along with everyone else, somehow seemed to realize it was his turn now and began his whole spiel.

“I-I just… Deceit, I love you like my own son and I know we don’t really hang out or anything because you’re always so distant but please listen to us,” he started, tears already streaming down his cheeks as he hugged his arms around himself. “Please let us help you. What you’re doing right now isn’t healthy. So please, talk to us.”

Deceit found himself opening his mouth. What he was gonna say, even he didn’t know. The tears that had formed in his eyes, however, seemed to indicate that whatever he said would be the truth.

At the last minute, however, Deceit felt himself regain control over his mouth and facial features.

Turning his face into a very small smirk, he said in his sarcastic voice, “Thank you, Patton. I’ll be sure to talk to you guys about everything plaguing my thoughts! Because that makes total sense with me being the literal embodiment of lies.”  
Patton gave a small frown and opened his mouth to speak against that, but Virgil had something else to say.

“God damn it Deceit! What the fuck happened to you anyway? You didn’t used to be such a dick all of the time you know!” he shouted loudly, his building frustration finally breaking out as he said what was on his mind.

Deceit couldn’t help himself from jumping up and pressing himself up against the wall as he pressed his hands over his ears and squeezed his eyes closed.

This was the plan, but that didn’t make him anymore ready for that.

His head felt like it was pounding against his skull as his breaths got shorter and shorter, taking in less and less air.

He could hear Virgil’s voice reverberating around his head. Feel his words piercing through his heart.

He wasn’t always this way. He used to be better. This never used to be a problem.

He never used to be a problem.

***

The second the words had left his mouth, he wanted to punch himself in the face.

What was he saying? He didn’t really feel that way, did he?

His eyes widened in shock as he looked up from the floor to see Deceit pressing himself against the wall and clutching his head in his hands.

He had done that.

He raised his voice to his friend, right after he had a nightmare and panic attack. He… he should’ve known better.

He wanted to go forward and help him, bring him back to reality. He even took a step forward to do so, but Logan stuck his arm out to stop him.

Right. He couldn’t help. He had caused it. He would make it worse.

He always made it worse though, didn’t he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... it's 12:35 am :p
> 
> and...... i'm about to post another chapter.....
> 
> 3 chapters in a day!!! stay tuned for that!!!


	8. Old Friends (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** 3rd chapter update today!!! if you haven't read my other updates today, please go to chapter 6 and start there!!! ***
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS:
> 
> yelling, sympathetic deceit
> 
> PLEASE TELL ME IF I FORGOT SOMETHING!!!

He was ready. He was finally ready to tell Deceit his name. To no longer be known as just Anxiety. To instead be known as his true name.

Virgil.

He smiled to himself as he waited for Deceit to make his daily visit to his room.

Well, what used to be a daily visit was now a weekly visit if Virgil was lucky, but he was fine with that.

He was fine with the fact that Deceit almost never seemed like he wanted to be with him. Fine with the fact that he never listened to him anymore and was always dozed out. Fine with the fact that he probably didn’t want to hang out with him anymore.

He snapped out of his downward spiral when Deceit suddenly appeared in his room and onto the bean bag he has claimed as his own ever since they were children.

Virgil smiled at him and tried to ignore the zoned out look on Deceit’s face.

“Wow, you look like shit.” he said, lying across his bed on his stomach and propping his head up with his hands.

Deceit looked up at him with tired eyes and gave him a small smile.

“You don’t think? And here I didn’t think I looked amazing.” Deceit replied, leaning back into the bean bag more.

If Virgil hadn’t been so nervous about telling him his name, he might have noticed the bags under Deceit’s eyes that made him look almost dead. He might have noticed the way Deceit’s voice carried no emotion or feeling. That his eyes were dull and held no light or joy in them. That his movements were more like that of an animated corpse than a person.

But Virgil was anxious and what he did pick up on, he didn’t like.

The way he was speaking and his body language said it all to him.

Deceit didn’t want to be there, and that was all Virgil could tell.

He felt the beginnings of anger begin to course through him.

Why did he keep pretending he wanted to still be friends with Virgil when he obviously didn’t want to hang out with him? When he hadn’t let him into his room for years? When he didn’t tell him anything anymore?

He pushed his feelings down for the time being, though.

Deceit had been his one and only friend since childhood. The one and only side he actually knew and talked to.

Sure, he knew the others, but they didn’t like him.

Well, maybe Morality, but he liked everyone.

Virgil didn’t want to come right out and tell Deceit though, so they talked about normal stuff that they always talked about first.

At least, Virgil talked. Deceit just sat there, laughing and saying something occasionally.

And during it all, Virgil found himself being more and more fed up with it all.

Why couldn’t he just tell Virgil that he didn’t want to hang out with him?

Finally, Virgil found himself randomly blurting out, “My name is Virgil, Deceit! You’re my only friend and I thought you should know!”

He shut his eyes quickly, not wanting to see Deceit’s reaction.

He could hear his blood rushing through his ears as he waited for a response… but Deceit never said anything.

Slowly opening his eyes to look at Deceit, he felt the dam holding back his anger break when he saw Deceit just staring absentmindedly at the floor.

His pulse still rushing in his ears, now out of sheer vexation, he adjusted himself into a sitting position. Bringing back his hand, he brought it down full force and made contact to Deceit’s cheek with a satisfying smack.

He wasn’t sure when he had started crying, but he vaguely felt a tear making its way down his cheek.

“Really Deceit? I just opened up to you with something important to me and you’re not even listening?” Virgil yelled.

His anger reached the boiling point when he saw Deceit still giving him a blank look, this time holding a hand delicately to his cheek.

He was officially done with this.

Standing up, he reached down and grabbed Deceit’s arm and forced him into a standing position. Dragging him across his room to the door, he threw it open and pushed Deceit out into the hallway.

“Just get out, I don’t even know who you are anymore!” Virgil shouted, letting go of Deceit’s arm and slamming his door shut.

The tears streaming down his face wouldn’t stop as he felt his anger quickly melt away into an overwhelming sadness.

He’d done it now. He just pushed away the only person who was ever willing to hang out with him, whether he wanted to or not.

Now, he didn’t have a single friend.

Stumbling over to his bed, he collapsed down on it and curled himself up around his pillow where he cried for hours.

The sadness was soon enough replaced by his anger again and turned into a grudge that Virgil would hold for twelve years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoop whoop!!! three in a day, i'm on a roll!!
> 
> i also just don't wanna sleep i guess :p
> 
> henggggg, i have school tomorrow and it's past midnight i'm so stupid :p
> 
> HOWEVER:
> 
> i hope y'all don't get mad at Virge or anything here! i realize he's being a bit... well... heng, but it's all just misunderstanding because he doesn't really understand what's going on in dee's head and blah blah blah...
> 
> so yeah, give virge some slack :)


	9. A Hug

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER WARNINGS:
> 
> panic attack, self harm, blood, sympathetic deceit
> 
> PLEASE TELL ME IF I FORGOT SOMETHING!!!

He didn’t always used to be this way. To be a problem.

To exist.

His eyes were shut tight and he had managed to totally forget his surroundings as his panic continued to grow.

Opening his eyes for a split second, all he saw has a shadowy figure approaching him and his heart seemed to clench in fear.

Not thinking about it, he felt himself sink out and he landed in his room. Stumbling over to the wall, his vision beginning to fade to black, he managed to smash his head firmly into the wall.

He became aware of his erratic breathing.

He smashed his head against the wall again, harder this time.

He could feel his head throbbing.

He smashed his head again.

His breathing started to even out as he concentrated on the throbbing pain that spread in his head.

And again.

His vision began to clear up.

Again.

Then someone’s hands were on his shoulders and he was being pulled away from the wall.

The panic began to rise up in him again and he pulled up his sleeves and began scratching and ripping up at the scabs forming on his arms.

He needed more. He needed to ground himself.

Once he started, however, his arms were immediately pulled down and held at his sides.

“Nonononononononono…” he started to mumble over and over again as he began to unconsciously press his nails into his palms.

Something. He needed something.

“Dee, please stop!” he heard someone say next to his ear and he looked over to see the person holding him with tears streaming down their face.

Deceit started at him. He knew that he knew this person. Who was it?

As he tried to solve the mystery of how he knew him, he didn’t even notice he had stopped trying to get out of the person’s grip.

The man slowly let go of Deceit’s arms and reached a hand up to wipe some of the tears off of his own face.

The man… Who was he? He knew him. He knew he knew him. How?

“Dee,” the man said again, gaze soft but sad as he looked into Deceit’s wide and confused eyes. “You’re okay. Virgil, nor anyone, is going to hurt you. I promise.”

Deceit squinted as he puzzled over the new information.

Virgil. He knew a Virgil.

An image of a young boy with a timid grin suddenly came to mind and Deceit seemed to finally snap out of his trance.

He opened his mouth to say the name of the person in front of him, but his voice wouldn’t work. It felt like there was something forcing his voice to stay put in his throat.

The man just gave him a small smile.

“Can’t speak, kiddo?” Patton asked, slowly holding his arms out to give a hug if Deceit wanted one.

And boy, did he.

Giving a small nod of his head, he slowly made his way into Patton’s arms and rested his head on his chest.

Patton wrapped his arms around him and pulled him closer, covering Deceit in a blanket of warmth.

“That’s okay. Just take your time. You don’t need to say anything.” he whispered, resting his chin on top of Deceit’s head.

Deceit gave another small nod and pressed himself closer to Patton.

Patton smiled at this and began running his hands through Deceit’s hair, ignoring the blood that was bleeding onto his shirt from where Deceit was curled up on him.

Looking around the room, he felt his smile drop into a small frown and his eyebrows draw together as he examined the messy room.

Things were strewn everywhere and his bed covers had been pushed onto the floor into a pile at the foot of the bed.

Patton took note of the reddish brown stains that were littered all over them and even the floor.

Looking back down at Deceit, he couldn’t help but wonder if he’d be okay in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a short lil chapter bc i wanted to do some cute patton and deceit hugs :')


	10. Discovered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER WARNINGS:
> 
> selectively mute, post panic attack, blood, self harm mentions, sympathetic deceit
> 
> PLEASE TELL ME IF I FORGOT SOMETHING!!!

After Deceit finally calmed down, he realized what predicament he was in now.

They all saw him break down. Patton was hugging him after helping him.

Deceit still couldn’t speak.

He mentally cursed himself. Because he couldn’t keep himself together, now he had to find a way out of this new issue.

He might have been able to explain away the earlier nightmare, maybe even his body to a degree, but now?

Now they definitely thought something was wrong, and he wasn’t fully sure what to do about that.

Slowly backing out of Patton’s hug, he took a few steps back and fixed his clothing and wiping his tears away.

Patton said nothing as he did this, but his mouth went into a small frown as Deceit looked back up with his cold mask back in place.

“Dee, you don’t have to-” he started, but Deceit held up a single finger and Patton stopped.

Walking over to his desk, Deceit grabbed a pen and paper and wrote:

‘patton, it’s fine. this just happens after a nightmare sometimes. i’m fine.’

He handed Patton the note.

Taking the note and reading it, Patton’s frown deepened and he looked up at Deceit again.

“Stop it.” he said, somewhat sternly which took Deceit by surprise. “You are not okay, Dee. If you were okay, you wouldn’t be living like this.” he continued, gesturing around the messy room and finishing with the blood stained sheets.

“You-” Patton’s voice cracked as tears sprang into his eyes. “You wouldn’t be doing what you’re doing.”

Deceit looked down and pulled at his sleeves, but Patton wasn’t done.

“So, please Dee. Just, come back up. Be honest with us. We all want to help you.”

Deceit wished his throat would just open up and let him speak so that he could try and explain his side.

He was fine. He didn’t think he was being dishonest when he said so. He just knew that he lived his life differently than the others. He knew they would react this way if they found out.

He knew things would change if they knew. He hated change. He hated being focused on.

He just wanted to be alone. That was all he really wanted.

He felt exhausted. Too many people, too much panicking, too much everything.

He just wanted to take another nap, even though he only woke up maybe an hour before.

Scribbling on another piece of paper, he wrote:

‘can we wait until i get my voice back at least? i just want to take a nap, i’m tired after all of this.’

Reading the note, Patton’s face softened slightly and he nodded.

“Sure Dee. I…” he stopped and bit his lip as he thought about his next words.

“Do you mind if I send Virgil down first? He feels really bad about what happened.” Patton said, running a hand up and down his forearm.

Deceit loosened up a bit and nodded with a slight smile.

Sure, Virgil had scared him, but he still felt more comfortable around him than any other side.

Patton perked right back up and clasped his hands behind his back as he smiled happily.

“Great! He’ll be here in a sec!” he waved as he sunk out and Deceit couldn’t help but wave back.

Once Patton was gone, Deceit quickly changed into his pyjamas from earlier, but this time he added a hoodie on top to hide his arms.

As he was picking up his sheets to put them back on his bed, he couldn’t help but scrunch up his nose at the smell of old blood that filled his senses.

Maybe he should change his sheets.

Snapping his fingers, he was a bit disheartened when the sheets didn’t disappear.

Frowning, he tried again with the same result.

He was more tired than he thought, apparently.

“Dee.” he heard from behind him and he turned to see Virgil standing awkwardly in the center of his room.

He began to ask how long he’d been there, but when his mouth produced no sound, Virgil chuckled.

“Don’t worry, Patton told me you couldn’t speak.” he said, holding up and waving an object before tossing it to Deceit.

He fumbled as he caught it, nearly dropping it, but felt a small smile break across his face as he looked down at the old and battered laser pointer.

‘thanks,’ Deceit said in morse code, pointing the pointer at the floor as he clicked the word out.

Virgil smiled and shrugged.

“No problem. You left it in my room a few years ago.”

Deceit nodded and turned back to his bed, giving the covers an annoyed glare, when suddenly the blood stained sheets were replaced with clean and fresh ones.

Deceit’s eyes widened in shock and he turned around to give Virgil a questioning look.

Virgil simply shrugged again, not saying anything, but Deceit knew that he probably saw him struggling earlier.

Deciding not to press him, Deceit simply crawled into his bed and curled up underneath.

Virgil swayed side to side a bit, not sure if he should leave or not, and Deceit patted the empty side of his bed.

Virgil gave a small smile and walked over to stand next to the bed.

Deceit just rolled his eyes and patted the bed again, an obvious sign for Virgil to just get into the bed and stop being so awkward about it.

Finally relenting, Virgil slowly slid under the covers and Deceit scooted closer to him and curled into his chest, too emotionally tired to even care about how he appeared.

After all, they already thought something was wrong. Why should he care about what they thought anyway?

In a few days time, they’d probably go back to ignoring him. Might as well enjoy the attention while he had it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmmmm, not much to say here :p
> 
> OH WAIT!
> 
> i'm writing a small two part sympa dee vampire au!!! it's called No Good and the first part is up and on here if ya wanna check it out!!! there's some background logince (with a punk logan... im happy with that) and main ship is anxceit!!!
> 
> so yeah! on my profile if you want!!! :D


	11. The Second Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER WARNINGS:
> 
> graphic depictions of self harm, suicide attempt, something getting stuck in skin (body horror i think it's called?), sympathetic deceit
> 
> PLEASE TELL ME IF I FORGOT ANYTHING!!!

It wasn’t intentional in the beginning. It had started off as just a quick calm down. A way to quickly bring him back to reality. A way to get out of his own head for a bit.

Just a few cuts. That was all it was supposed to be.

Then he went deeper.

And deeper.

The blood surrounding him would have scared anyone else, but for him it wasn’t enough.

It could always be worse. He could always be worse.

He wasn’t good enough to be worried about.

He only stopped when his little blade got stuck in the wound and he couldn’t find it.

After that, he wasn’t sure what to do. He just looked at the gaping wound on his arm and watched as blood came pouring out of his body.

He watched with a sad fascination, knowing it wasn’t gonna do the damage he desired yet enjoying watching the way the light would catch on the dark red liquid.

A wave of gratefulness washed over him. At least he had no arteries so the blood wasn’t splashing everywhere. That would be way too much effort to clean up.

That gratefulness was replaced quickly with annoyance.

If he had arteries, then he’d probably be dead already and have no need to clean.

Moving to rest his head on his pillow, he looked up at his ceiling and imagined what it would be like to finally disappear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter, i know, but kinda had to put this in here ha ha :p
> 
> also i meant to update all of my fics LAST WEEK, but i ended up getting very sick and am still kind of recovering so the writing i was planning on doing never really got done sorry ;p


	12. Running

Running. He must keep running. He couldn’t stop. He had to get away.

“Hey, Dee.”

He knew he shouldn’t look back. He had to keep running.

“Dee!”

He shut his eyes tight as he willed his legs to move faster. He couldn’t get caught. He must keep moving.

“Hey, wake up!”

He could feel his body falling. Breaking down more and more with every step.

He didn’t stop.

“You’re okay Dee, please just wake up.”

Suddenly he was on his back, his shoulder aching from falling hard on it. He could feel it creeping around him. Feel it seeping into his skin. Draining him.

He had been caught.

“Dee!”

His eyes popped open and he shot straight up, looking around wildly as he backed himself against the wall.

“Come on Dee, calm down.”

Deceit’s eyes flew to the voice and he took a moment to recognize that Virgil was the one speaking calmly to him.

Deceit immediately threw himself at Virgil who was quick to wrap his arms around his shaking figure.

“Hey, don’t worry Dee. You’re safe.” Virgil whispered softly into his ear.

Slowly, he felt his breathing begin to even out and the pain of a sore throat began to permeate it’s way into his conscious thought.

Deceit let himself be comforted by Virgil’s soothing words and soft touch for probably a lot longer than necessary, but he couldn’t help but revel in it.

It had been so long since he last felt safe.

As time went on though and Deceit finally felt as calm as he could possibly be, he let himself move away from Virgil.

“Thanks.” he whispered, so quietly he was afraid that Virgil might miss it all together.

Virgil, however, just responded by patting his knee gently.

“No need to thank. I’m just picking up where I left off.”

Deceit looked up from the bed sheets to look at Virgil who was giving him a look Deceit couldn’t quite comprehend.

“What doesn’t that mean?”

“Well, I shouldn’t have left you alone. I was being selfish when I did. I should have realized you weren’t doing any better and I-”

“Don’t stop.” Deceit cut him off. “You had no reason to stop babying be all the time. You didn’t need your own space, and I don’t understand that. I am not responsible for myself and myself alone, so do blame yourself for how I didn’t turn out.”

Virgil frowned and crossed his arm over his chest.

“No, you stop it. You were the only friend I had growing up and I pushed you away. Plain and simple. Believe it or not Dee, I actually want to help you through whatever you’re going through. Try me.”

Deceit’s own frown took over his face as he curled up on himself, dragging his knees to his chest.

“I am going through stuff. I don’t just want to be alone.”

Virgil huffed and stood up.

“Well, whether you like it or not, you still need to talk to the others. If you can convince them you’re fine I’ll leave you alone, deal?” Virgil said, holding out his hand for Deceit.

Deceit eyed his hand wearily before accepting it.

“Of course I believe you when you say that.” he said with a small grin as Virgil pulled him to his feet.

Virgil returned the grin.

“Have I ever broken a deal before?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M ALIVE, I SWEAR ;p
> 
> my life has been hectic, plus i've been v depressed and those two things combined do not make writing easy :p
> 
> but i hope im back!!!
> 
> i have a lot happening in school, including many class trips (france and florida), drama club, spring sport, maybe prom (havent decided if im going yet lol), and just trying not to fail out of high school my senior year lololol rip me
> 
> but i'm trying to update all my fics at least once this week just in case i disappear for another month ha ha
> 
> hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	13. Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER WARNINGS—
> 
> sympathetic deceit, nightmare mentions, slight self deprecation
> 
> PLEASE TELL ME IF I FORGOT SOMETHING!!!

Listening to the pounding in Anxiety's chest intently, he placed his own hand to his chest.

Nothing.

“Hey, Anxiety?” 10-year-old Deceit asked softly, twisting his head up to look at the just as young Anxiety.

“Yeah Dee Dee?” he replied, continuing to stroke his hand through Deceit’s sweat dampened hair.

“This is the third time this has happened.” Deceit stated, looking back down at his hand as he clamped it shut and unclamped it again.

“They’re just nightmares, Dee. Don’t worry.” Anxiety said softly, though Deceit knew that they scared them just as much as him when they happened.

“So… Why do you keep coming back here when it happens? I don’t want to keep bothering you with—”

“No Dee.” Anxiety said firmly, as he wrapped his arms around Deceit’s middle.

“You aren’t bothering me. I keep coming back because I know you need someone and I want to be that someone… Okay?”

He said the last part so quietly that Deceit almost missed it, but he knew that Anxiety was probably afraid of Deceit leaving him all by himself.

That was probably the only reason why he helped him anyway. He couldn’t see why else Anxiety would want to be friends with him and help him through all of this.

However, instead of bringing up his doubts, he pushed them away to the back of his mind.

Quickly sitting up, he turned turned to Anxiety and grabbed his hands in his.

“Let’s make a deal.” he said, watching as Anxiety’s face went from surprise to apprehension.

“Deal?” he asked, quiver clear in his voice.

Deceit nodded.

“You can stay in my room with me. That way, you won’t need to wake up running every night. Then, once the nightmares stop, you can go back to your room.”

Anxiety eyed him up and down before giving a small smile.

“Fine. But only if we add onto it that, no matter what, we will always be friends. Okay?”

Deceit gave him a toothy smile and nodded, unclasping Anxiety’s hands from his grip and holding out one of his own to shake.

“Deal?”

Anxiety grinned and nodded, taking his hand.

“Deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ack!!! sorry about being a little mia, school work really pulled up on me here 😅
> 
> be expecting more updates now that i’ve gotten most stuff done!!!!!!! ^^


	14. Tensions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS—
> 
> sympathetic deceit, food mentions, self harm mentions

Deceit didn’t truly know what to expect when he entered the real world once again.

Maybe they all got tired of waiting around and went off back to their rooms, or perhaps they were all sitting around waiting for him to appear again.

He wasn’t expecting to pop up to see everyone running around the kitchen like chickens with their heads cut off and smoke filling the air.

“Patton, why did you leave the plastic on the burner? You know plastic will burn!” Logan shouted over the smoke alarm, attempting to scrape burnt plastic off of the stove.

“I’m sorry! I forgot I put it there!” Patton shouted in return as he fanned the smoke alarm with a metal tray.

“Why didn’t you all just leave it to me?” Thomas asked, also fanning the smoke detector with a metal tray.

“Or you could have left it to me!” Roman shouted over it all, safely from the living room. “If I had done it, it would have been the most magnificent feast!”

With an abrupt halt, the smoke alarm turned off and everyone let out a light sigh of relief before they noticed Virgil and Deceit.

“Dee! How are ya feeling?” Patton asked happily as he wiped sweat off his brow, leaving a long black streak in its place.

“Fine. What in the world is happening?” Deceit asked as he went closer to the kitchen with Virgil in the lead.

“Why did you attempt to cook without me here?!” Virgil asked in panic as he looked around the smoke filled kitchen.

“Sorry Virgil. Patton wanted dinner to be warm when Deceit awoke, so we started it while you were both sleeping. Apologies.” Logan said, wiping his hands on a towel and crossing his arms over his chest.

“Dinner?” Deceit asked, not bothering to hide his confusion.

Sharing a quick look with the others, Roman responded, “Yes, dinner! The best meal of the day!”

Deceit looked around at everyone’s faces of agreement.

“You guys eat food?” Deceit asked and a stunned silence filled the room.

“Uh, why wouldn’t we?” Roman asked, confusion all over his face.

“Well, I guess we technically don’t have to eat.” Logan said, pushing his glasses up his nose. “But it allows us a set time to bond and talk things over.”

“Do… I mean… Do you not eat, Dee?” Patton asked quietly, seeming afraid for the answer and Deceit felt himself wilt inside.

“I mean, I have before. Just, not in a while I guess.” he said softly, looking down and picking at his cuffs on his sleeves.

“How long?” Virgil asked, startling Deceit with his hard voice but soft and scared gaze. He looked afraid to hear the answer.

“I mean not too long ago. I think I ate a bagel the other day—” Deceit began but Virgil cut him off.

“How long, Dee? Don’t lie, I’ll know.” Virgil said and Deceit felt himself deflate as he crossed his arms over his chest and curled inward on himself.

“Thomas’s thirteenth birthday.” he mumbled, so quietly he almost hoped Virgil had missed it, but of course he hadn’t.

“Sixteen years ago?” Virgil asked and Deceit gave the slightest nod.

“That’s… When I left.” Virgil said and Deceit looked up to see tears welling in his eyes.

“I mean, it’s as Logan said. It’s not actually necessary for us to eat, so is it really that bad?”

“Yes, eating or not eating will have no physical effect on our well being. That is a fact.” Logan spoke up, though Deceit could see the concern in his eyes. “However, food has been shown to help improve ones mood and make them happier, thus helping one's mental health.”

Deceit gave a long sigh.

“I’ve already told you I’m fine, guys. Can’t you just drop this?”

“What about the rest of your body, Deceit?” Logan asked suddenly, causing Deceit to stutter a bit.

“I’m not sorry, what?” he asked, hoping that this conversation wasn’t leading where he thought it was.

Logan sighed and leaned backwards on the counter.

“My studies show that those who partake in self harm to the extent that you do often don’t just stop at one part of their body. They usually will go on to do the same to other parts. So my question here is, what haven’t we seen yet?”

Deceit felt his stomach sink as his mind went empty of any excuses he might have had.

“I don’t see how that’s relevant to food Logan.” Deceit said cooley, though he knew his body language probably told Logan all he needed.

“I am simply trying to figure out why you are trying so desperately to keep us in the dark of your struggles, especially when we have expressed our desire to help.”

Deceit froze at this, thinking back to all the times he has ever appeared to the others before and he could feel himself snap.

“Shut up. You never cared before. You only want to help now that you know, but you didn’t care enough to know about me earlier. You may blame me for that, seeing as I never asked for help, but why would I? There isn’t anything wrong here except for the fact that you’re trying to what? Fix me? Fix me so I can be seen as the bad guy again? The side you despise and hate? Nah, no thanks. I’m fine, and that’s the truth. What isn’t fine is that you’re now acting like you care when you never did before. So just do me a favor and leave me alone.”

Deceit didn’t stick around to get a reaction, instead sinking out and reappearing on the roof of the mindscapes house.

Heaving a sigh, he sat down on the edge, feeling his feet dangle into the grey nothingness of the rest of Thomas’s mind.

He never asked for help. He never asked to be cared for. Why couldn’t they just get that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oofh...
> 
> ima just apologize now since this story is going really down hill from here...
> 
> sorry 😔


	15. Fault

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** SECOND CHAPTER TODAY! if you haven’t read 14, read that first! ***
> 
> CHAPTER WARNINGS—
> 
> sympathetic deceit, crying
> 
> PLEASE TELL ME IF I FORGOT SOMETHING!!!

The stunned silence that followed Deceit’s outburst and disappearance was short lived.

Virgil was the one to break it.

“Oh, nonononono this is bad, this is really really bad!” he exclaimed, grabbing both sides of his head and spinning in a circle as if hoping Deceit might reappear behind him.

Thomas wasn’t much better off.

“Oh God, what do we do what do we do? We can’t just go after him, can we? Will that make this worse? Maybe he’ll never return, what do we do then? I’m pretty sure I need him or else—”

“Thomas.” Logan said, promptly cutting of Thomas’s rambling.

“This was my fault. I tried to get him to open up to soon. I should have known better. Therefore, I should be the one to find him and apologize for—”

“Why bother?”

Everyone turned to look at Roman who sat on the sofa with his legs brought up to his chest.

“What do you mean?” Patton asked softly and Roman looked at him with sad eyes.

“I mean, why bother? He wasn’t wrong about what he just said to Logan. We didn’t care until now. But why do we care now and we didn’t care earlier? He’s right. We’re afraid of losing our villain. We just want to make him better so that we can view him as the bad guy again. So why go after him and apologize for him being right?”

Silence ensued in which no one looked at each other. They knew Roman was right.

Virgil clenched his fist.

“No. He wasn’t right.” he said and Roman looked at him with curiosity.

“He said he was fine and that’s clearly wrong. He said we didn’t care earlier and that’s not true. I’ve always cared. He was my first and only best friend for years. I used to help him with his nightmares, but he told me they stopped. I knew I shouldn’t have believed him, but I wanted to. I wanted to think he was better. So I left him. I never truly viewed him as bad. How could he be?”

Virgil couldn’t say when he started crying, but he could feel the tears dripping down his face.

“And then I turned my back on him. I thought he wasn’t listening to me. That he didn’t care about me. But now I see that it’s the other way around.”

Virgil looked at the ground.

“I’m the one who failed him. He needed me and I wasn’t there.”

Wiping the tears off of his face, Virgil looked back up, shocking everyone with the determination on his face.

“But not anymore.”

And with that, Virgil was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, two posts in a day!!! :D
> 
> (might be three, but i’ll let you know if i do lol)
> 
> and okay— i lied, it’s not that bad rn but like— i’m still sorry bc i know how this all plays out and it rips at me—


	16. Playing with Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER WARNINGS—
> 
> sympathetic deceit, graphic descriptions of self harm, depression, nightmare mentions, self hate
> 
> PLEASE TELL ME IF I FORGOT SOMETHING!!!

Rain.

It should be raining. At least, that’s how the movies always portray it.

The sad scene of loneliness on the roof, rain pouring around them, but they don’t go inside. Instead they sit and revel in the cold. Enjoy what little feeling being cold brings them.

But Deceit didn’t have that. It hadn’t rained in the mindscape ever to his knowledge.

He did have a lighter though, and that could also bring something to the table.

The burning pain it brought left Deceit feeling more and more whole with each burn. Each touch of the burning flame bringing him closer to feeling.

He really was happy the others hadn’t seen this part of him. It was fine if they assumed it was the same as the rest, as Logan seemed to suspect.

If they really knew the extent, then there’s no way they’d let him leave the way he did.

Flicking his lighter closed, he sighed as he lied down. The cold metal of the roof digging into his bare back, chilling him to the bone.

He didn't look down at his chest. He already knew what he had done.

Looking up at the grey expanse of the mindscape, however, gave him a sense of familiarity that left a weak smile on Deceit's face.

He and Virgil had discovered this place when they were just seven.

Deceit could never remember what exactly they were doing, but ever since then it had been their hang out spot if they needed away from their rooms for a while.

Virgil probably hadn't been up since they split. If he had then he somehow managed to avoid Deceit who came up here rather often.

In the aftermath of their break, he only came up here to avoid knocking on Virgil's door and beg for forgiveness for whatever he had done.

Back then, he didn't understand why Virgil was so mad at him.

To this day, he was never really told. He never asked, too afraid for the answer.

Though, as he finally looked down at his chest, he realized he always knew why.

Red welted scars and charred skin stared up at him, accompanied by newly blooming bruises and lines and words in varying stages of healing.

It scared him, that he could do that to himself, but at the same time he couldn't help but appreciate its beauty.

To him, what he did to his body spoke more words about who he was as a person than he himself could say.

But Virgil probably always knew exactly who he was.

Deceit couldn't say when his anger melted into sadness, but felt it welling up inside him before he could even try to contain it.

He couldn't cry though. Even though his lungs burned and his mind was clouded over, he couldn't cry.

The tears were stuck inside him. As bottled up as his emotions.

Flicking open his lighter again, he brought it back down to his skin.

He was over emotional. That's why he lashed out so bad earlier.

That's why he pushed away the people who wanted to help.

He still thought he was right, though. About what he told them.

He was fine.

They didn't care before.

They wanted him to be the bad guy.

Yet, at the same time, he knew that his reasons were flawed.

He knew he wasn't fine by normal standards.

They only viewed him as bad because he never gave them the chance to view him as anything else.

They didn't care if he was the bad guy or not.

They just wanted him to be okay.

And that was the scariest part.

Deceit didn't want to be okay. He was afraid of being okay and what okay meant.

He was too tired to change. Too tired of living to change.

Closing the lighter once more, he looked to his discarded shirt and hoodie next to him. Giving a small, unamused laugh, he put them back on quickly.

He didn't need a repeat of that morning.

The whole thing that started this mess.

Closing his eyes, he wished he could take another nap. But the fear of a third nightmare that day scared him more than he'd admit, keeping him wide awake.

So tired, but can't sleep. He couldn't help but chuckle.

The irony of his existence tortured him endlessly, so why not laugh at it?

Surely it couldn’t get any worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> going back to america tomorrow, so yeet! :D
> 
> france is super cool tho, but it’s so weird being with a host family ack—
> 
> anyway... how about this chapter, huh?
> 
> um....... would you believe me if i say it gets worse later?


	17. The Third Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS—
> 
> sympathetic deceit, suicide mentions, self harm mentions, self deprecation, self hate
> 
> PLEASE TELL ME IF I FORGOT ANYTHING!!!

Virgil sighed as he looked dejectedly around the room one last time.

He knew every single hiding spot in the mindscape, where could he have gone?

Collapsing on Deceit’s bed, he felt his frown deepen in thought.

Where could he have gone?

Their games of hide and seek never used to be this difficult.

Virgil’s eyes widened.

Hide and seek.

Sitting up quickly, he face palmed himself.

“Of course! I’m such an idiot!” he exclaimed as he disappeared from Deceit’s room and reappeared on the roof.

Virgil was halfway to calling out for Dee, but saw him lying just a few feet away from him with his eyes closed and his feet dangling off the roof.

Giving a sigh of relief, Virgil took a calm step towards him when he realized that Deceit’s feet weren’t there.

Squinting at the sight before him, he rubbed his eyes and gave another look.

The part of Deceit that wasn’t on the roof wasn’t even there.

Virgil’s eyes widened and he stuck his own hand out to the edge of the roof, watching in fascination as his hand disappeared the second it crossed over the ledge and reappeared when he brought it back.

“How long has it been since you’ve been up here, Xiety?” Dee asked quietly, distracting Virgil.

Virgil thought for a second.

“I think I was eleven or twelve. We stopped coming up together when the nightmares began, didn't we?” he said calmly, sitting down crossed legged where he stood.

Deceit opened his eyes and looked up at the grey.

“Yeah. It used to scare me.” he simply said.

Virgil nodded and gave another glance towards Deceit.

Silence ensued for a few seconds before Deceit spoke again.

“I’ve always hated myself, I guess.”

Virgil’s eyes went wide and he looked at Deceit again.

“What do you mean?” Virgil asked and Deceit finally looked over at him.

“I always used to wonder why you bothered with me. When we were kids, you befriended me. You didn’t even bother to talk to the others. Then we just stayed friends.”

Deceit looked back up at the grey.

“You could’ve been friends with any of the others. I couldn’t.”

Virgil opened his mouth to speak, but Deceit went on.

“I guess I have you to thank, then.”

Sitting up, Deceit lifted his feet out of the grey and watched closely as they slowly reappeared.

“Thank me for what?” Virgil asked softly and Deceit slowly crossed his legs faced him.

“For saving me from myself for as long as you could.” he said, not changing his tone.

“What do you mean?”

Deceit didn’t answer, instead choosing to fiddle with the hem of his hoodie sleeve.

Virgil sighed and moved a few inches closer to Deceit.

“If you’re thanking me, then I’m here to apologize.

Deceit still didn’t say anything, but Virgil continued.

“I’m sorry I snapped at you all those years ago. It was so stupid of me. I thought you didn’t care about me and that’s why you weren’t listening to me.”

Virgil looked down at his own hoodie sleeve as he began to fiddle with a loose string.

“I pushed you away. All because of my stupid ego. All because I thought telling you my name was the most important thing in the world.”

He grimaced and shook his head softly.

“I pushed you away. All because I thought you could do better than me. I’m—”

Virgil stopped talking as he felt Deceit’s hand rest on his knee. He looked up to find Deceit just an inch away, his eyes wide.

“No.” he said and Virgil gave him a confused look.

“I’m the one who pushed you away. I, well… I knew you were having a hard time and didn’t want to add my own problems on top of that. I always thought you’d be better off without me.”

Deceit took his hand off Virgil’s knee and curled up on himself, bringing his knees to his chest.

“I was right, too. Without me, you made more friends. You found people who deserve you.”

Deceit curled up tighter, looking out at the grey.

“I just wish I hadn’t failed the first two times.”

It took a few seconds for Virgil’s mind to catch up.

“Failed what?” he asked.

Deceit didn’t answer, but slowly uncurled himself and stood up, stretching.

Turning to look back down at him, Virgil couldn’t stop his shudder at Deceit’s look.

His eyes were glassy and he had a toothy smile firmly in place on his face that reminded Virgil of a doll.

“Dee, are you okay?” Virgil asked softly, slowly standing up.

“Virgil. Oh my god, Virgil! I’m so stupid!” Deceit exclaimed loudly, causing Virgil to flinch back.

“What’s wrong Deceit?” he asked firmly, trying not to flinch away at Deceit’s manic excitement.

“Everything is wrong, Virgil! Can’t you see? Except it isn’t, because I think I just found the solution to my problem!”

“Problem?”

Deceit nodded and turned back around, walking closer to the edge of the roof.

It was only once Deceit was a few inches away from the edge that Virgil realized what he was about to do.

“Wait, Dee!” he shouted, reaching his hand forward as he started to run towards him.

Deceit turned around.

“Good bye.” he said softly as he fell backward into the grey, disappearing within a second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...
> 
> i would like to say...
> 
> when i started writing this chapter...
> 
> ... it was supposed to be pure...
> 
> but um—
> 
> i’m so sorry...
> 
> (it gets worse)


	18. Hide and Seek

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER WARNINGS—
> 
> sympathetic deceit
> 
> PLEASE TELL ME IF I FORGOT SOMETHING!!!

Anxiety was almost at ten and Deceit was still out in the open.

“Seven.” Anxiety said and Deceit suppressed a surprised giggle.

He had to hide, or else he’d be caught!

But where to hide? Deceit looked around sadly once again. There were no hiding spots in his room that Anxiety didn’t already know of.

“Eight-nine-ten, READY OR NOT, HERE I COME!” Anxiety shouted, uncovering his eyes and turning around to see Deceit standing in the middle of the room.

“Deeeeeee,” he whined. “You’re supposed to hide, or else we can’t call it hide and seek!”

Deceit frowned.

“I’m sorry, Xiety! I just can’t think of a place to hide!” he said sadly, sitting down on the floor and sticking his tongue out as he thought.

Anxiety frowned too as he looked around the room.

“You’re right. Maybe we should venture outside our rooms!” Anxiety said happily and Deceit looked up at him with wide eyes.

“I-I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” Deceit said, wrapping his arms around himself.

Anxiety frowned.

“Why not?”

Deceit gave a small shrug as he brought his hands up to his scaled face.

“Ohhh.” Anxiety said with realization and he sunk down to sit on the floor with Deceit.

“I just… I don’t want to get in trouble again.” Deceit said sadly and Virgil gave him a one armed hug.

“Don’t worry, Dee Dee. I won’t let them hurt you again.”

Deceit gave him a small smile before standing back up.

“Well, there’s gotta be someplace here that no one else knows about!” Deceit said happily and Anxiety smiled and stood up too.

“Well, we live in a house, right?” he asked and Deceit gave a small, unsure nod.

Anxiety pointed up.

“Then we should have an attic or something!” he said and Deceit looked up.

“How do we get there then?” he asked and Virgil shrugged.

“Maybe we just think about it? Like how we made the legos appear earlier?”

Deceit nodded and scrunched his eyes closed and Anxiety did the same as they both pictured the top of a house.

They opened their eyes again when they felt a soft breeze hit their faces.

“Woah!” Anxiety said as he looked around at the light blue smoke that surrounded him.

“What is this?” Deceit asked in awe, also looking around at the never ending sea of blue.

Anxiety knelt down and tapped the floor.

“Metal? Maybe we’re on a roof or something.”

Deceit looked down at him and then back at the fog.

Slowly, he walked over to the edge of the ‘roof’ and looked down.

“I don’t see anything out there.” he said and Anxiety walked over to stand with him.

“Do you think it’s safe up here?” he asked softly and Deceit gave a pondering look.

“I think so…” he said slowly and thoughtfully. “But we should probably stay away from the edge.”

Anxiety nodded and immediately took a few steps back.

Deceit looked out at the fog once more before doing the same.

“So,” Anxiety said, getting Deceit’s attention.

Anxiety gave a little hum and a spin before he sat crossed legged on the ground.

“So?” Deceit asked, amused at Anxiety’s sudden giddiness.

Anxiety rolled his eyes and patted the spot next to him, so Deceit walked over and sat down.

Leaning in, Anxiety whispered quietly, “Morality finally picked a name.”

Deceit gave an eye roll of his own and leaned back on his arms.

“Why does it matter?” he said, causing Anxiety to splutter for a second.

“Why does it matter? Deeeee!” he said excitedly and Deceit gave a small sigh and lied on his back.

“Names are important! Without a name, you’re no one!”

Deceit closed his eyes.

“Without a name, actions speak more than words. Without a given name, who you really are as a person is what matters. Besides, we technically already have names.”

“Yeah, that Logic gave us after learning all those new words at school!” Anxiety exclaimed and Deceit chuckled.

There was a little bit of silence before Deceit finally asked what he knew Anxiety wanted him to.

“What name did he pick?” he asked, opening his eyes and turning his head to look at Anxiety.

Anxiety laughed and looked back at him.

“Patton.” he said and Deceit laughed too.

“What does that mean?” he asked and Anxiety shrugged with a smile.

“I don’t know! But he seems happy with it.” he said softly and Deceit watched his face go soft in thought.

Deceit repositioned himself so that he was propped up on one elbow.

“Hey, Anxiety?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, I was just wondering if you wanted to pick a new name for yourself.”

Anxiety’s eyes went wide and he looked up at Deceit’s soft smile.

“I… Well, maybe one day.” he replied and shifted closer to Deceit.

“One day?” Deceit asked and Virgil nodded.

“Yeah. I want to let my actions speak for myself first, just like you said.”

Deceit nodded and settled back down so that he was just a few inches away from Anxiety.

“Will you—”

“You’ll be the first one I tell.” Virgil cut him off, holding up his pinky in the air.

Deceit smiled and held up his own.

“Promise?”

Anxiety hooked their pinkies together and gave them a small shake.

“Promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a pure chapter to follow the....
> 
> well, the thing i did last chapter :’D
> 
> ... i’m still sorry about that.
> 
> maybe i’ll have to... rectify it >:)


	19. Off the Roof

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER WARNINGS—
> 
> sympathetic deceit, broken bones, crying
> 
> PLEASE TELL ME IF I FORGOT SOMETHING!!!

Virgil was still running, even after Deceit disappeared. Swallowed by the grey smog that surrounded the roof.

“NO!”

His hand was still reaching out to grab onto him. To stop him from doing it.

But he was too late.

He didn’t even notice he was still running until he felt the ground fall out from underneath him.

Taking a deep inhale of shock, he felt his stomach lurch as he started to drop.

Falling.

A scream never left his lips. His shock keeping him from breathing.

It wasn’t until he hit the ground with a resounding crack that he let out a shout of pain, falling onto all fours and breathing heavily.

“Oh my god.” he said breathily, his head throbbing and his pulse pounding in his ears.

Despite the tears that threatened to fall down his face, he slowly opened his eyes and looked down at his leg.

“That’s not good.”

Virgil’s head snapped up to see Deceit sitting to the right of him, barely visible in the grey smoke.

Virgil felt some of the worry for his friend leave his shoulders as he took a deep breath and let himself fall to the ground face first.

“Oh, Jesus Christ Dee. What the hell were you doing?” Virgil exclaimed breathlessly, his voice slightly muffled by the soft ground.

Virgil quickly pushed himself up and winced as he moved his leg.

“Where the heck are we?” he asked, panic clear in his voice.

Deceit shrugged one shoulder and Virgil finally noticed that Deceit was silently nursing his left arm, keeping it held close to his body.

“Deceit, you’re hurt! Why didn’t you tell me?” Virgil said, quickly crawling towards him despite the pain it sent throughout his body.

“Don't get closer!” Deceit suddenly shouted, curling in on himself more.

Virgil stopped moving.

“Dee, what’s wrong?” he asked slowly. Apprehensively.

Deceit didn’t respond and Virgil finished the crawl, stopping just a foot away.

“Oh, Dee…” Virgil said sadly as he finally was able to take a look at him.

Both legs appeared to be broken. His arm probably was too, but Deceit was still holding onto it tightly, preventing Virgil from getting a good look at it.

But what really made Virgil’s heart fall apart were the stream of tears falling down his face.

Upon hearing Virgil’s voice, Deceit curled up more and Virgil winced.

“Dee, don’t do that. You’ll just damage your legs more.” he said softly, placing a hand on Deceit’s knee.

Deceit just kept sobbing.

Virgil felt his own tears form in his eyes, but refused to let them fall.

Moving so that he was on Deceit’s right side, he sat with him shoulder to shoulder and leaned his head against his whilst wrapping and arm around him.

It was all he could think to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i made y’all think dee was dead 😅
> 
> i hope this chapter made any form of sense honestly. i’m trying to wean myself off caffeine and have a headache and am so tired and just—
> 
> i have an addiction 😂
> 
> but really wanted to to get this up, so i’m sorry if it’s bad!
> 
> kind of a nice chapter before i really make it bad, ya know? ;p
> 
> 💜


	20. Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER WARNINGS:
> 
> sympathetic deceit, bullying(?)
> 
> PLEASE TELL ME IF I FORGOT SOMETHING!!!

“Hey!” screamed Nightmare as he reached up towards the doll that had just been snatched away from him.

“No, I want it!” said Prince as he hugged the blonde Barbie doll to his red clad chest, his plastic crown going lopsided on his head.

“No fighting!” came another loud voice from behind Prince.

Nightmare looked past him to see Joy in his usual blue shirt and covered in mud.

“Stop yelling too please!” shouted another voice from the corner of the room.

Looking over, he saw it to be the kid who always had a blue bow tie on, otherwise known as Smart.

Nightmare simply rolled his eyes and stood up.

“Didn’t want it anyway.” he said, sticking out his tongue and going over to play with Joy, if he’d let him join.

“Yes you did, though.” came a quiet voice from behind him and he turned around to see a new person standing where he had just left.

“Woah, what’s wrong with your face?” exclaimed Prince, dropping the doll and taking a few steps back.

The new one, upon closer inspection, appeared to have something green and shiny covering half his face and a yellow eye.

“WOAH!” exclaimed Joy and he ran over, pushing his face into the new kids.

“What is it?” Smart asked as calmly as possible as he too ran over to see what it was.

“Scales, I think?” he questioned as he put a hand to his chin in thought. “I think that’s what they are.”

Meanwhile, the scaled kid hadn’t taken his eyes off of Nightmare.

“You wanted the doll.” he said more firmly, pushing through the three other kids and picking back up the doll, holding it out to him.

Nightmare looked down at the doll for a second before slowly taking it and hugging it to his chest.

“Why did you say you didn’t want it?” he asked curiously, tilting his head slightly.

Nightmare simply shrugged, feeling his face heat up as he said, “Didn’t wanna cause trouble.”

The scaled kid pursed his lips.

“Why—” he started, only to be cut off by loud, purposeful wailing from behind him.

“My doll! He took my doll!” Prince exclaimed loudly through what might have been tears, though no water had yet to dot his face.

“Hey, that’s not nice!” said Joy, walking over and holding out his hands.

“Can he have the doll back?” he asked softly, his eyes wide as he looked at Nightmare who was protectively hugging the doll.

The kid stared at him for a second before hesitantly handing him the doll.

“Thanks!” Joy said happily, skipping back over to Prince.

“Hey, don’t cry! Here’s your doll!” he said happily, holding out the doll for the kid who immediately stopped crying and grabbed it.

“Thank you!” he screamed, running away to the corner where he had built a cardboard castle.

The scaled kid frowned.

“But that isn’t fair.” he stated softly, earning a curious look from Joy and a sigh from Smart.

Nightmare simply looked down as he messed with the cuffs on his purple hoodie.

“He was crying though!” Joy said, crossing his arms and glaring at the scaled kid.

“He clearly wanted the doll more. Besides, you don’t mind, right?” Joy asked hopefully, looking past the scaled kid to look at Nightmare standing behind him.

The kid glanced up quickly before looking back down and shaking his head.

“There, you see? Problem solved.” Smart said, approaching the scale kid again.

“Now, what are you doing here?” he asked curiously, crossing his arms across his chest as he inspected the newcomer.

The new kid glanced back at Nightmare with a frown before turning around to face Smart.

“I don’t know.” he said shrugging. “All I know is that he’s not being fair.” he continued, pointing at Joy again.

Smart frowned.

“This is how it always is. He always gets what he wants with him around.” he said, gesturing to Prince, who was peeking out from his cardboard castle at them, and then to Joy, who had already gone back to playing in the mud.

“Why?” the new kid asked curiously.

“Because he’s too nice.” Nightmare spoke up, pointing to Joy. “And he’s a good actor.” he continued, pointing to Prince.

Smart shrugged.

“Yeah.” he agreed.

The new kid frowned and turned back to Nightmare, who looked back down at his feet.

“Can you play with me?” he asked abruptly, shocking Nightmare.

He looked up at him and, finding no trace of malice, nodded.

The new kid smiled and held out a hand to shake.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Snake.”

Nightmare grinned and took his hand.

“I’m Nightmare.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really hope this made sense omg.
> 
> i figured that when thomas was small, he might have different names for his sides, so i’m gonna be going with that theme.
> 
> (Nightmare is Virgil, Joy is Patton, Snake is Deceit, Smart is Logan, and Prince is Roman :D)


	21. Why

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS:
> 
> sympathetic deceit, body injuries, self deprecation, depression, crying
> 
> PLEASE TELL ME IF I FORGOT SOMETHING!!!

Failure. Again.

He shouldn’t be shocked, really. He never did anything right in the past, afterall.

Why did he think this time would be different?

And, even worse, he let his excitement take over him. Right in front of Virgil.

Why did he even try.

All because he didn’t know what was beyond the smoke, he thought he could disappear.

When he first had hit the ground, he didn’t even feel the pain of his body shattering. He was simply waiting.

Waiting.

Why was he waiting? Why wasn’t he gone?

Sitting up, he hardly winced as he felt his shattered bones shift and dig into him.

All he knew was this.

He had failed. Again.

When he saw Virgil fall down too, he wasn’t even shocked.

He was just empty.

And then, as if a switch was flipped, he was crying. His emotions finally catching up to him.

God, he always had to cry. Why was he like this?

Feeling the comforting heavy weight around his shoulders, he remembered Virgil was there.

Of course. Virgil. He was breaking down again, and in front of Virgil.

Why? Why was he such a fuck up?

Jesus Christ, why couldn’t he stop crying? This was just ridiculous.

He couldn’t die and now he was making an even bigger fool of himself then he already had previously.

His heart clenched and his head swum, feeling blackness consume his vision.

He closed his eyes, and he was finally gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the delay!!! i’m, um..... feeling a bit bad about where i’m taking this and put it off but here we are and i’m so so sorry :’D


	22. The More You Know...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS:
> 
> sympathetic deceit, bullying, self hate, self deprecation, panic attacks, almost murder(?)
> 
> (i mean... so i even need to keep doing these warnings at this point? it’s p much the same for every chapter 😅)
> 
> PLEASE TELL ME IF I FORGOT SOMETHING!!!

When he finally awoke, he was surprised to be surrounded by a light blue haze.

Sitting up slowly, he looked around and felt his face go slack in shock as his eyes widened.

He was in Thomas’s old childhood bedroom, except he was viewing the room through a blue sheen.

Starting to stand up, he noted that he appeared to have no physical injuries anymore.

He looked around again in curiosity and finally noticed the four young figures in the corner.

Tears began to gather in his eyes as he walked over and surveyed the all too familiar scene in front of him.

Logan stood tall with Prince and Patton, all of them looking down at the curled up and crying Anxiety.

Suddenly, the scene unfroze and Deceit watched on with tears in his eyes.

“Why do you always have to ruin everything?” Prince screamed, frustrated tears in his eyes.

Anxiety curled up more. No one took note of the hitching of his breathing.

“You really didn’t have to act like that.” Patton said sternly, crossing his arms and shaking his head disappointedly.

“Yes, there was no logical reason behind making Thomas run off the stage like that.” Logan said, adjusting his glasses.

Anxiety didn’t respond, however his breathing got increasingly shorter and shorter.

Deceit was shocked he hadn’t passed out yet.

“Why do we even keep him around anymore?” Prince yelled, sniffling and wiping his tears off his face. “It’s not like he has ever done anything useful! I say we just—”

“Hey!” came a yell from behind Deceit.

Turning, he saw his nine year old self running over and shoving Prince aside to kneel next to Anxiety.

“Hey, Night. It’s Snake. Can you hear me?” he heard himself ask softly.

After a moment, Anxiety made a small, choppy nod.

“Can I touch you? How about we go back to my room?”

Anxiety gave another short nod and young Deceit softly wrapped an arm around his shaking shoulders and sent the other three a glare as he sunk out with Anxiety.

The scene shifted.

“Why were you yelling at him like that?” his younger self yelled loudly, voice filled with rage.

“He ruined everything again! Just like he always does!” Prince screamed back, just as loudly and angrily.

“All he ever does is get Thomas down!” Patton interjected indignantly.

“You don’t have to be such assholes though!” young Deceit yelled back, his face red and his body shaking with anger.

Prince and Patton let out shocked gasps.

“Deceit, you know we aren’t allowed to swear!” Patton whispered sternly and young Deceit glared at him, causing him to flinch away.

“No. Thomas isn’t allowed to swear. I, however, can do whatever the fuck I want.

Prince and Patton were stunned to silence, so he continued.

“How dare you.” he whispered, terrifying quietly. “You are the worst excuses for friends I have ever seen. He is Anxiety. It is his job to be scared. To be anxious.”

He took a step forward.

“It is our job to help him. To make him feel better and calm him down if necessary. Not to... what? Torture him?” young Deceit began yelling again. “Make him feel less than? Kill him? Just what were you trying to do?”

Prince seemed to finally find his voice again, and with that, his anger resurfaced.

“So what if he dies!” he exploded and Patton let out another gasp.

“So what if you die, too, for that matter!” Prince continued, stepping closer to the young Deceit until they were nose to nose.

“You both do nothing for Thomas. I don’t know why the two of you were ever created.”

Young Deceit glared and pushed a finger against Prince’s chest.

“Why don’t you ask yourself that. You’re the one who created us, after all.” he said in a deadly whisper.

Prince glared.

“You’re right.” he said, stepping away from young Deceit and reaching for his satchel. “It’d be better to just—”

“That won’t do anything.” said a calm, cold voice and Logan rose up between the two of them, facing Prince.

“They’re all still elements of Thomas. Killing their ‘physical’ body wouldn’t get rid of their functioning.” Logan explained, crossing his arms and pushing his glasses up his nose.

Prince growled and let go of his satchel.

“He’s still annoying though.” he whined, crossing his arms and glaring at the floor.

Logan rolled his eyes.

“Please, you like fighting him all the time. That’s why you created him, after all, isn’t it? Anxiety wouldn’t fight with you, so you made someone who would.”

Prince simply stuck out his tongue and stomped away.

The scene froze here and Deceit wiped away a stray tear from his cheek.

He looked down at his young self and immediately picked up on the fear in his eyes, though he had tried to hide it.

He was scared of dying.

The scene began to fade, leaving Deceit surrounded by total blackness, though he could still see himself just fine.

Looking down at his hands, he couldn’t help but wonder what had truly changed between now and then.

That thought only lasted a second, though, before another occurred to him.

A more pressing and important one.

He had to find Roman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhhhhhh...
> 
> update later ;p


	23. Roman‘s Reflection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER WARNINGS:
> 
> intrusive thoughts, implied suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide, self hate, body horror (very broken bones), sympathetic deceit
> 
> PLEASE TELL ME IF I FORGIT SOMETHING!!!

After Virgil and Deceit ran off, Roman was the next to sink out.

He didn’t even want to pace his room. Instead he just collapsed onto his bed face first and let out a muffled scream into his lush, velvet comforter.

He still remembers what he did to Deceit and Virgil all those years ago and after years of hard work, he had nearly forgotten it had happened. However, since Virgil started showing up again, so did the painful memories. He did his best to try and squash them down again and was almost successful. Again.

Then Deceit showed up, covered in scars and exhausted by the weight of his own thoughts. Thoughts he wouldn’t have even had if he had just treated him decently.

He knew he couldn’t fully blame himself. The event had happened before he and Remus had split, back when they were still just Prince.

Yet the guilt was still eating away at him after almost two decades.

With a great sigh, Roman flipped onto his back to stare up at his high vaulted ceiling.

Maybe he could fully blame himself. He didn’t exactly treat the snake side with any kindness after the split. He wasn’t as innocent as he was trying to convince himself.

But, thinking of the way that the others had treated Deceit, Roman knew that, objectively speaking, he wasn’t the worst. Virgil had reacted venomously at any mention of the side for years now and Patton… well, he hadn’t done anything necessarily wrong. He always made it clear, however, that he didn’t like Deceit or his purpose directly to his face.

Logan didn’t seem to mind Deceit as much. He was at least able to recognize that lying, in some cases, had its perks and that Deceit represented more than just lies. He still always reacted negatively when he would appear, but Roman suspected that may be some kind of psychological reaction he had developed after watching the other side’s reactions.

He groaned and ran a hand down his face. He really should have zoned out on Logan’s smarty pants psychology rant while Deceit was sleeping, he didn’t want to start thinking like Logan.

He let out a small chuckle, knowing that Logan would have already started to lecture him if he’d been there and if Roman had spoken out loud.

However, Roman didn’t hold onto that distraction for long before he started to think about Deceit again.

Flashbacks of how he had reacted to Deceit’s appearances in the past went through his head and he frowned.

Multiple (some would say “dramatic”) exclamations of villainy and vileness. He never greeted him in any other way. Not a single ‘how are you’ or even a simple ‘hello.’

His mind couldn’t help but jump to his brother. He wondered how Remus greeted him. Probably the way he greeted everyone, which was an unpleasant experience to say the very least.

Roman’s mind felt foggy as he tried to sort through everything going on in his head.

Sleep. He needed sleep. Tired. He was so tired.

Pulling the throw blanket that was on his bed over top of him, he curled up underneath it and closed his eyes as he tried to empty his mind.

But sleep never came. Instead, he sat there with his eyes closed for what felt like hours, but was probably only minutes as he tossed and turned. A headache of emotional pain weighing on him so heavily he felt suffocated by his own mind.

A loud thud and crack from outside his window, however, had him upright in a second.

He stared at the window, both curious and scared at the same time.

There was nothing out there. There couldn’t be. The only way outside the mind palace was through Roman’s window and the roof.

But who the heck would be on the roof?

Except…

Roman leaped up, running to the window and struggling to open the latch.

With a shove, the window was opened into the grey fog that filled the rest of Thomas’s mind.

He looked down at the ground, but he was on the second story and couldn’t see anything through the dense grey.

Squinting, Roman tried to make out anything at all that would tell him what (or who, but he was trying not to think about that) had fallen off the roof.

With no luck, he opened his mouth and was about to yell out when he saw a blur of something — no, someone — rush past him and plummet to the ground with a resounding crack.

He could feel the adrenaline pumping through his body as the right side of his head began to pound.

He was half way to jumping out the window after them, but stopped himself.

If he jumped down, there was no way to get back in besides climbing up the building, which was next to impossible.

Outside of the imagination, where they all lived, it was impossible to use the powers they usually possessed, like sinking in and out and creating things.

Meaning that if he left now, he’d have no way to get back inside.

As if on cue, a long rope with knots in it appeared in his hands and he sighed in relief.

The rope could exist outside the imagination for at least twenty four hours before disappearing. That would be plenty of time.

Securing the rope to his bed, he let it fall out his window and looked down at the ground.

Roman didn’t even want to think about what would happen if a side stayed out there for that long.

Moving as quickly as he dared to, Roman maneuvered himself out of the window, clinging to the rope for dear life as he slowly climbed down it.

He felt like he was in the air for hours, but he knew that he hadn’t been climbing for that long. It took all of his power for him to not look down at the ground, or rather, the grey abyss that extended below him.

As his feet finally hit the ground, he exhaled softly with relief and let go of the rope, happy that he hadn’t injured himself.

Looking around, he saw a large shape on the ground a few yards to the left of him.

“Virgil? Deceit?” he called softly.

When he didn’t get an answer, he took a few steps towards the shape.

“Hello?” he called out again, this time with more volume.

“... Pr- princey?” came a confused, tear filled voice and Roman let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

“Virgil, oh my god are you okay?” Roman exclaimed as he rushed over to him, stopping when he saw Deceit wrapped up in his arms, passed out.

Roman looked to Virgil, watching silent tears run down his cheeks and his right leg bent at a 90 degree angle, sitting uselessly at his side.

“What happened?” he asked as his heart clenched.

His fault.

Virgil sniffled quietly.

“De-deceit jumped off the- off the roof.” he said quietly, stumbling over his words as more tears started to run down his face.

Roman felt his body go cold as he tried to process everything that was happening.

He knew he needed to go forward and help them. He needed to help them!

But...

Roman’s fault. It’s always his fault. He shouldn’t exist. Why did he try. He was to blame. He couldn’t fix what he had done. He shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near them all. He would just hurt them too. It’s all his fault that everyone is always hurt.

He’s the reason why Logan pretends he’s emotionless. He always made fun of Logan’s passions and interests.

He’s the reason why Patton always pretends he’s happy. He never asks how he’s doing, even if he’s clearly sad.

He’s the reason why Virgil is so defensive. He’s the one who always told him that he was a nuisance and unwanted.

He’s the reason Thomas is always suffering. He split from Remus, giving him intrusive thoughts.

He’s the reason Deceit is where he is.

Roman’s right hand turned into a fist, but instead of feeling his nails digging into his palms, he felt his hand gripping a cool, heavy, cylindrical metal object.

He looked down and saw it.

The Dagger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i’m still here!!! i’m so sorry for such a long break since my last update oml—
> 
> i got a bit distracted, but now i’m back and with an update schedule!!! weekly updates every saturday/sunday!

**Author's Note:**

> oofh, guys this one is gonna be pretty dark so run away now if you want.
> 
> trying to keep chapters short so i update more often :p
> 
> (btw, the thing that happened earlier with deceit's vision going black from not moving his eyes? yeah, that's actually a thing. look it up if ya want, it's kinda cool.)


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